Journal entry 004: Thoughts from my little sister
**The only writing that's ever posted on here is mine, but this post is from the voice of my little sister**
Title: I openly fell in love and here’s what I learned
Hi. For those of you that aren’t familiar with who I am, my name is Amirah and I am Kiah’s little sister. One thing you should know about me is that when it comes to love and romance I have been known to be the polar opposite of my sister, I’ve always thought it was kind of icky and I like to keep my dating life close to me and me only…until last year. After being back in therapy for about a year and a half I decided that I was ready to enter into the dating world again and actually start taking men seriously (scary). So summer of 2022 I made it my mission to be outside and do just that! After a failed and very short lived friends with benefits situation and a slew of unserious hinge dates I met Zack.
Something else you should know about me is I am very forward and don’t have much of a filter so if something is on my mind I am highly likely to say it. When I went up to him it was solely to tell him that he looked just like one of my favorite internet comedians which I guess five other people that day had already done. I had zero intentions of pursuing him, even though he swears till this day that I was flirting with him. After telling him how much he looked like this internet guy we exchanged instagrams, had a very quick conversation and parted ways. I had exchanged instagrams with so many people that day I really didn’t even think I’d ever see him pop up on my feed or we’d ever interact again.
About a week later he posted this picture of his internet twin to his story and me thinking it was funny liked the story and he replied to my like and that was the start of it all. I’m not here to tell the full story and all the nitty gritty details and trials and tribulations we went through just here to tell what I’ve learned so let’s skip to when we started dating. As I said by this point I had been in therapy for almost two years and I really wanted to approach dating differently, more serious and once I realized I actually liked this person I decided to avoid doing everything I’ve ever done in past dating experiences.
For the first time ever I was bringing someone around my family and friends, I talked about him to them, I openly communicated how I was feeling, I was vulnerable with him, I even posted him on social media a few times, and I was so shocked to see that the world didn’t come crumbling down when I exposed myself in such a vulnerable way. I honestly don’t know what was harder: letting my guard down enough to let him in or showing my family and friends who would use words like ‘aggressive’ and ‘mean’ to describe me a softer, lover girl side of me. As hard as it was and has been I can say the risk was worth the reward, anyways here’s what I learned:
You don’t have to know the outcome of every situation all the time. Not knowing how long someone will be in your life or the role they will play in your life is just a part of dating and romance and that’s okay. One of the main reasons I liked to keep my dating life to myself and away from my family is because I never wanted to bring anyone around that wasn’t going to stick around and I realize how unrealistic that is because there will never be a guarantee that anyone will stick around forever and honestly keeping that part of my life away from my loved ones is way harder than just being open about it.
You can’t let the risk of failure, heartbreak and rejection close you off. One thing I was good at was ending a situation before even giving it a real chance so I didn’t have to deal with the sadness if things didn’t work out. I was also really good at pretending like I didn’t have feelings towards the situation so that way it wasn’t real, but these were just acts I was performing out of fear. In my mind, if something didn’t work out perfectly the first time it was a failure and I can’t be a failure… let alone have others knowing I was a failure. In reality, it’s just a part of dating and bringing new people into your world and not everyone is meant to be in your world forever.
Vulnerability does not equate to weakness. I would describe my old self as very guarded and oftentimes could be perceived as emotionless especially when it came to dating. I had this theory that if I let my guard down and let someone in and ended up being hurt by them then that made me weak. I now realize that is insane. Being outwardly vulnerable is a part of growing and sharing your life. It's reassurance that others can share that same level of vulnerability with you.
You can’t do for someone more than they are willing to do for themselves. Not sure if that has so much to do with me being open about who I’m dating but it is something I learned. So I have this crazy idea (I was working on this in therapy) that in order for me to be liked and wanted I have to do for others. I have to help people with things, buy things, volunteer my time etc. and I think I found myself doing that with my partner because this was a new type of relationship. I was enjoying it so much that I didn’t want it to end so I felt like I had to continuously do things in order to be liked and wanted. At the end of the day, it isn’t fair to me or my partner. I had to learn to give what I had the capacity to give and what they had the capacity to receive.
There’s probably so much more that I learned over the time but these sit in front of my mind.
Last thing, Zack, thank you for everything you taught me whether you realized or not. When I met you in Piedmont that summer I did not think you would become one of my best friends. You entered my life at such a pivotal point and accepted me for exactly who I am from day one. You’re a light in this world, not just because you’re light skinned, and I hope you never forget that. I am so lucky to have gotten to know you - love, Stinky
That’s all folks!
Thanks for taking the time to read words from someone I love, and don't forget... be great! xox