Are you addicted to chaos in your relationships?
Updated: Sep 23, 2019
Ciara and Russell Wilson are possibly one of the most talked about couples on social media- whether people are gawking at how cute they are or coming for Russell Wilson for any number of reasons. In the time that the two have fell in love and started a beautiful family, a lot of women have consistently asked Ciara the same question: what prayer did you pray to get this man, sis?
While it is both a serious and comical question to ask Ciara, she makes it clear in her interview on a new episode of Red Table Talk that what she’s found with Russell came after the rollercoaster ride of different relationships before. Specifically, her public relationship and breakup with Future.
I’m just going to cut straight to the part of the episode that really made me sit with my thoughts for a moment after watching- Jada asked Ciara how she knew that Russell was “the one”. Ciara answered with three simple words: it was calm. Yes, calm… serene, still, peaceful, tranquil- pretty much what I’d like to feel the
second I walk into somebody’s spa for the day! Well, this is where the record scratches because that is not the feeling I’ve felt with men that I’ve had past relationships with. And just briefly after coming to this realization, I thought back to every time that I felt things were going great (or at least moderately good), only to find myself subconsciously wanting to disrupt that moment so things could be shaken up again.
If you've never felt this then you'll likely think I'm crazy, but if you know this feeling all too well... stick with me here!
Everyone's experiences and situations look different, but whether you're a woman or man and you relate to what I'm talking about, then you know that your appetite for the drama, chaos or confusion in relationships with someone is one that you've had a track record for fulfilling. And maybe you've done enough self reflecting to know this about yourself or maybe reading this just made things click, either way.... it's time to get down to the reason why and how it can change.
Dating and relationships can be pretty hard, we all can agree on that, but it gets even harder when you consistently find yourself in this constant push and pull, tug of war with the person you're engaging with. Personally, after awhile it became something that I settled into and looked for. You begin to get accustomed to things being shaken up and latch on to the high of sending those screenshots to the group chat because you can't wait to share "the tea".
Obviously, perfect relationships don't exist, so I'm not viewing them through rose colored glasses and know that you should not retreat every time you and your partner run into a hardship. Sh*t is gonna happen, that's life. HOWEVER, I also know that being in situations where your peace is constantly being compromised is quite draining- both mentally and emotionally. So, then what? You want something different, right?
Jada so graciously noted that there's a difference between knowing what you want versus being drawn to/liking the drama/confusion you've been in while still wanting out of your situation.
Ultimately, we know that doing the same thing over and over only yields the same result (ah yes, hello insanity!), but is there a way to break away from this same cycle?
Short answer: yes. Ciara did it. Long answer: you have to do the internal work to find out why you keep having a taste for the same thing. Ciara talks about how her journey through self-love was important and what that meant for her when she began dating again. The thought of losing herself again was frightening and she knew she had to figure out what she wanted.
Maybe the kind of so-called-love or situations you experienced before are what you thought you deserved, but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your peace or lose yourself being with someone because that's what's been most familiar to you. You deserve that calm feeling too. And might I add, knowing what you want is one thing, but deciding that it's the only thing you'll accept AND sticking to it is vitally important.
Though I'm not actively dating at the moment, I'm being proactive by putting in the work to break away from the things that I know I don't need or want in the future. I mean, what if that calm feeling comes around and you're not necessarily ready for it? You'll probably self sabotage because while silence is golden for some, it can be crippling for others. You'll go looking for things to be shaken up again.
Whether it's self love, past traumas, low confidence or anything else, find out why you've become addicted to the drama and confusion in relationships... then put in the work and choose something different. Peace and chaos can't coexist.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget... be great! xox